Dear Christian
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| Your favorite place to have Star Wars battles |
Today mommy and daddy moved your bed. Your room was empty
your walls were bare. I looked at the spot on the floor where you used to sit
and play star wars, for hours you would take out each man and find their weapon
and their card. Sometimes you liked to take off all their helmets (and heads!)
and lay them out in a line. After you got all of the men with their proper
armor and weaponry you would ask me if I wanted to have a battle. You were
always the cool commander and I was the bad guy. I tried to tell myself that
your bed wasn’t you. Heck you didn’t even sleep in it more than a handful of
times and certainly never alone. But like a good friend said to me tonight it
was a dream, a hope of a better life. It was the hope that one day I would get
to hear you and Ryan giggling till all hours of the night. I wanted to walk
into the room and tuck you into bed and bend down and tuck Ryan into his bed.
I never miss you more than when I watch Ryan following
around other boys your age. Desperate to be their friend and looking up to them
the same way he looked up to you. I would be lying if I said my heart doesn’t
break when I realize that Ryan doesn’t have his big brother anymore. He doesn’t
have his hero to look up to and want to be like. You were such a sweet heart
with a kind and soft presence about you. You were a leader and a friend to just
about anybody who was around. (I am sure until he got into your toys!) I pray
that God will help him to remember you and feel you and know you. That your
light and influence will finds its way into his heart and soul and he will know
that his big brother always lives in him and protects him. So Ryan is getting a
new paint color on the wall and I am going to paint one wall yellow for you, so
that the two new colors will blend together and I can keep a little of you in
our lives. I still have not moved your clothes out of the closet and your toys
still stand on the shelves.
Evelyn is only a few months away from turning five. I don’t
know where the time has gone. The world continues to spin (at an epic rate some
days) and I realize that while I am waiting to find a new way to live life
continues to move and grow and change. Evelyn is still in love with her
stuffies, she packs her bags often to have sleepovers at Grammy’s house. She loves to wear her black and white shirt
and pretend she is a skunk. She loves Just Dance and I can picture you and her
dancing together in the living room. She always asks to do the ‘cat fight’ song
that you two used to do together. Are you watching her? Do you dance with her?
On your heaven day we took the kids to stir crazy. She asked
me if you had ever been there and I told her sadly, no you had never gotten the
chance. She pondered only for a moment and then ran back up to the top of the
slide. When she same down she said did you see that mom? I asked did I see
what? She said, "I winked at Christian! He was sliding right beside me." And I
dreamed for a moment that you were playing with them and keeping them company.
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| What an amazing big bro |
You are irreplaceable. An amazing older brother that is no
longer here. And sometimes I have a glimpse that God must have something
amazing planned for our family. He will surely figure out a way for us to be
happy again, for the gigantic whole in my heart to be healed, even if just a
bit. I love you my little monkey pants.
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| Jayden, Big brother Nicky and Christian = Star Wars friends forever |
